Help! I’m Addicted to Eyeliner
By Isabelle Storella
I think we all came out of the 2020 quarantine looking a bit different than we did at the beginning. For some it was a simple at-home haircut, for others it was a completely new gender presentation. For me, it was eyeliner.
I had always been an avid makeup wearer, whether it was an everyday natural look or playing around with more avant garde looks from time to time. But unlike the bold change of a drastic haircut, this obsession started gradually. I trace its origins back to TikTok; at this time, I would watch videos that gave tips for eyeliner with a few simple wings and try them out myself. Immediately, I found myself loving these bold eyeliner looks.
After summer, I started college in person, but most of my classes were still on Zoom. Living in New York and being online for so much of the day, my makeup looks grew bolder and bolder. Every day, my eyeliner wings got bigger and grew in number. One mess up would lead to an extra line and then thick wings that would reach my hairline.
It went from an occasional fun look, to not being able to go outside without at least four thick jet black spikes surrounding my eyes. I constantly carried five different eyeliner pens with me. I lined my eyes in cars. I left my makeup on for 12 hours in case I had to go outside because I couldn’t stand the thought of someone seeing my naked eyes. I had such a striking look, and couldn’t separate myself from what was on my eyes.
Isabelle, sporting her eyeliner as she waits for the subway. Photo credit to the author.
Everyone knew me by this look. I always strived to let my appearance tell people about me, so I wouldn’t have to open my mouth, but I had stopped thinking about this and simply sported the same daily look. I didn’t feel like myself without this makeup and I couldn’t even remember why I started doing it.
This went on for months. Coming home for the summer, adjusting my look to fit in suburban Massachusetts again proved an impossible task. I had never exactly fit in, but I had never felt this out of place until now–and my new hot pink hair was not helping either.
I went back to my job in retail. They told me if I came back I had to wear my pink hair up, which I did. I knew I also had to tone down my eye makeup, but it felt like an impossible task. I tried to go bare-eyed, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I managed to restrain myself enough to use a softer black pencil instead of jet-black liquid.
As summer went on, I grew tired of the routine. I wasn’t in school anymore, so there was time to actually reflect upon the previous year. Something was off. I was on autopilot. I couldn’t remember who I was without this eyeliner. So, I went on a morning walk with only foundation on.
The change was still gradual. I relied on black liquid eyeliner for the next year, but it got smaller, until there was only eyeshadow. To this day, I still do not leave the house without eye makeup. While I am no longer compelled to draw the intense jet-black spikes, I still have a long way to go in feeling comfortable with my own face.